If there were Oscars handed out for the performance of opening one’s mouth and putting one’s foot in it, I wouldn’t be able to open my front door for the bevy of golden statuettes that would fill my house.
One of my worst episodes was at college. I was in the ‘ladies’, backcombing my already heavily-backcombed mop, and ranting about the shortcomings of a fellow student, when guess what? Yup, that’s right. A cubicle door opened and out stepped the subject of my ire. It wasn’t one of my better moments.
[This, of course, was back in the days when I thought I knew what ‘a problem’ was. Sometimes I think I’d like to pop back through the mists of time to give my pre-children self a well-deserved slap.
“I’m soooo stressed.”
“You don’t know what that means yet, you stupid girl. Pull yourself together. And do yourself a favour. When the-one-now-known-as X asks you out, say ‘no’. Trust me…”]
You’d think I’d have learned to keep my big mouth shut by now, but oh no.
So there I was yesterday, holding court in the village shop. I was loudly recalling a truly ‘hilarious’ story about someone who’d accosted me at one of the very few parties I’ve been invited to in recent years.
Yes, unsurprising how I get so few invites…
Now, it would have been bad enough had the person I’d been scoffing at turned out to be the woman at the counter with her back to me.
But no, it was worse than that. The woman at the counter turned round. She had indeed been at said party. And I’d spent a large proportion of the evening talking to her. She wasn’t the woman I’d been sniggering about, but would she know that?
Nice one Sam, a perfect 'own-goal'.
I’d like to hope she didn’t hear me, but I know she isn’t deaf. I’d like to think that she’d realise I wasn’t actually talking about her, but would she? It’s never a good look to have one’s true colours glimpsed beneath the veil of civil behaviour.
She did speak to me. She said how nice it had been to meet me, and what a pleasant day it was, but embarrassment rendered me incapable of coherent speech.
Big mouth strikes again. Oh yeah. Another statuette for my collection.