Sunday, 13 March 2011

On being the bad guy…

I’ve been missing-in-action all week. And what a week! Thank you to everyone who left a message in response to my last post, in which I was wibbling about just how arduous the week promised to be. Let’s just say it didn’t disappoint!

A few weeks ago, Lis over at Half-assed Mama posted about the joys of having a perfect subject to blog about, only being unable to do so because it would contradict her principles about what, and indeed who, she will write about. Let’s just say ‘Tales’ finds herself in similar circumstances. I have a well, nae, a wealth of fresh material, but I won’t use it, not yet anyway. It will out itself, of that I’m quite sure, but at the moment it is too raw and bloody to appear as anything other than an ugly rant. Having said that, I’m now going to dip one toe in the water. It’s no easy being the bad guy, unable to put your point across. Sometimes things just need to be said.

Why is it that no matter how good one’s intentions might be, and no matter how hard one might try to keep the peace, everything, and I mean ’everything’, can be misconstrued, re-fashioned into proof as to just how deep one’s villainy goes? I am the baddie, the black-sheep and now the outcast - perhaps I wouldn’t mind so much had I set out with this intention. I keep reminding myself that I can only control my own reactions to what happens around me. How other people behave is entirely up to them. And age, it appears, is no temperance. Childishness is not confined to the young.

I know all this, but it doesn’t make it any easier. I came home some days ago, intending to forget what happened by throwing myself back into my writing. Yes, I have sat with my beloved work-in-progress, but there has been considerably more glazed staring at the wall. There has been endless dissecting of every last detail about who-said-what, and a vast amount of gazing at the phone, waiting for it not-to-ring, which is after all what happens to telephones when people stop speaking to one another. They become eerie, quiet monsters, filling rooms with their brooding silence, and turning every second into another reminder that yes, you have offended people and they will sulk and sulk and sulk.

Hey-ho. Every drama needs a villain. I think it quite suits me, actually. And please, do feel free to boo!

1 comment:

  1. Oh dear, you do sound very sad & stressed. I'm not sure I have any magic advice as I don't know exactly what's happened. But the old adage "this two will pass" can be irritating when immersed in a problem but its also a truth worth remembering because it reminds us to breathe, step outside (metaphorically) and remember there will be a time in the future when all will be different. Failing all this I prescribe: wine, chocolate, laughter (via good friends or at least good film/book) and (I know you've said this is hard for you) if you can get creative in a playful way (finger painting, magazine cut out collages etc).
    And I'm sending you a HUG for good measure.
    Hope at least one of these helps.
    Kat X

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